So yes, okay, it’s been a while. A long while granted; but can I disguise my ignorance to this blog to the illusive appearance of ‘writers block’? No, I didn’t think so…
Within the past few months anyway, various things have happened; life has continued (surprise surprise), People have come and gone -and unwanted-ly come back again to their dismissal- and a major-ish chapter of my life has finished. School. The final finish line was in sight in the form of a two and a half hour exam but now in this turns out to be the start of the transitioning. The wait for those 3 little letters that will permit access to university or turn me away. During this time, the uncertainty is driving me mad. Life has slowed down completely; I’m not sure what to through myself into next now as intense studying periods -and panic attacks- has stopped. Back to the ‘transitioning’; as excited as I should be about new chapters of my life opening; ultimately I’m terrified. Terrified of letting go of safety and terrified of being turned away from my possible future. So now what I mainly feel is myself slipping into this strange realm of confused unshift-able sadness; sadness which has lead me back down a path of hurt I thought I had left.
When people are too scared to admit what really lies beneath their scars on their arms and feed the lie of “oh it was the cat” to the questioner, why do they bother? I understand that people may not want to broadcast their personal, intimate reasons and details to any Tom, Dick and Harry, or for the fear of being seen as an “attention seeker”. But when it is a close friend that poses the same question, why does fear take over the truth? When some friends say “you can tell me anything, you know that right?” Do we really choose to believe that?
Is the fear that society may have ingrained itself along with its expectations and human physical norms in everyone too much to bare? We hear constantly about sad stories of suicide and self harm happening to people of all ages, and how so much more should and could have been done to save them. Yet in the same breath we like to believe that if the situation ever arose in our own personal lives then we would behave differently and either give the help and support required or have the faith in the people around us to reach out for help.
That quite recently happened to me, I knew my friend was depressed and I knew there was a chance that they may well have scars yet it was only when they chose to show and me did I really show and prove to myself how I would react. At first I was completely silent, processing what I had just seen and bringing back every thought and piece of knowledge I had on the subject. Eventually though as scared as they were for revealing such information to me and as scared as I was that I might say or do something I always thought I wouldn’t. I just told them that I was proud. This naturally took them by surprise thinking I was encouraging such an action, but in truth I was proud of them that they could have the faith to tell me.
I’m not saying this as a definite answer as I’m sure there are plenty of explanations out there but I think that people that “push” away the people that have chosen to bestow such information upon them are really just scared. Scared of being associated with a somewhat deviant action within society. In the 21st Century where perfection is praised and everything else is shut in the cupboard under the stairs; is it really a shock when people seemingly turn their backs to these shadows of deviance? Perhaps it the somewhat innate drive of being accepted by -in this case- the norms of this fast paced world in which we live. I believe that what need to change is the stigma attached these issues and hence the person with them. I understand it will never be socially acceptable to self-harm nor do I want it to be but I’ll continue to wait for the day that people stop shunning the scars that hold this stigma.
I’m not sure that this makes much sense at all to anyone reading. For putting such thoughts down on to (virtual) paper and it actually representing them can be a challenge. But if this just challenges or agrees with one thought you may have then feel free to comment and let me know.
It’s 2015, a new beginning they claim. but who are “they”? Is it perhaps the optimists that are dotted in our society? Or a lie us everyday beings tell ourselves in order to try a drive a metaphorical wedge between the cumbersome bodies we control and the beds in which we lay? I don’t view myself as a optimist nor for the sake of argument a pessimist, however I don’t think many people actively label themselves as one or the other, or as any label for that matter of fact. That’s societies’ doing, but I won’t digress down that road.
Yes, I know everyone has their ups and downs yet life -for most of us- carries on. Hour after hour. Day after day. Year after year. So when people turn around and claim they are going to start their new diet or join a new club in “the new year”, my response is “why?”. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great for people to set themselves goals or targets to achieve -provided they actually do it, but if someone really desires a change in their life, then why do they wait for a change in another unchanging cycle? Is it symbolic? Does it relate to the too well known phrase “New Year, New Me”? Why do we constantly put our life on hold, waiting for the opportune moment when we are surrounded by media and companies that urge us to “Just do It”.
Life is Short, I’m all too aware of that and we’re constantly reminded of it. But for the vast majority of us we still continue at the pace we choose to walk through life at, blissfully unaware of the painful truth that that little sand-timer of life won’t wait until the new year to stop passing those little grains of your life away. So I
suppose, no scratch that I know that from this point on I won’t wait for life to pass by, and for those reading this maybe you ought to do the same.